Any young person can be bullied but it could be more likely if your teen is seen or appears as different in some way or are seen as an easy target. This may be because of gender, race, ethnic background, sexual orientation, culture, disability, appearance, home life or because they are shy or timid.
In most cases, bullying goes beyond playground banter, and isn’t simply a case of falling out with friends. It is a repeated behaviour that intends to hurt someone physically or emotionally. Bullying can happen at school, home and online and can leave children feeling scared, embarrassed or ashamed. Bullying can have a long-term effect upon your teen into their adult life.
Bullying is a safeguarding issue and should be taken seriously by your child’s school. Although bullying is not a term used legally, assault, abuse and sharing of certain digital media are, and can be reported to the police.
How to spot if your teen is being bulled
- They start ‘losing’ things.
- They develop unexplained bruising.
- They have a fear of attending school, or might feel unwell in the mornings with head or stomach aches.
- They stop doing so well at school or become alienated from friends.
- They display bullying behaviour towards others.
- They start harming themselves or other controlling behaviours around food.
If you spot any of these signs and think your child is being bullied, have a chat with them and explain to them what bullying is, and ask if anything like that has happened to them. Keep calm, and listen carefully to what they say. Teens will often worry about how you'll react when they tell you things. They don't always want you to fix things but just want to talk through their own decisions. If your child doesn’t want to talk to you, suggest they talk to another trusted adult or contact Childline or Kent School Health.
How to help
- Take what they say seriously. This will help validate their feelings and increase their confidence. Check in with them regularly and let them know they can talk to you.
- Explain what bullying is and that it’s unacceptable. Visit NSPCC for more tips on helping your teen deal with bullying.
- Work with the school to find an acceptable way forward including helping your child identify a trusted adult they can speak to at school.
- Look for activities that will increase their confidence and friendship group within or away from school.
Online bullying
Cyberbullying takes place online and includes sharing photos and comments, as well as name-calling or excluding people from group chats or activities. It’s harder to escape online bullying via social networks, gaming and apps.
It's easy to suggest deleting and blocking people and at times this would seem to be the best option. But for some young people this is a scary prospect, as they may want to be friends with their peers in the future. Sometimes blocking a person feels like it's making things worse.
- Talk to your child to understand their feelings about the situation. Come up with a plan together that everyone feels comfortable with.
- Give your teen the confidence to delete or block people and explain that this will give them space away from the situation.
- Check in with them to see how they are doing and be aware of any escalation.
- Discuss healthy boundaries for phone and digital use. Suggest bringing in restrictions so they have time away, to decompress from any negativity.
- Speak to the school so they are aware of what's happening.
What if you suspect your child is a bully?
Your child won't be bullying because they are a ‘bad child’. They are still working out relationships, hierarchy and assertiveness. They may, by nature be more assertive and impulsive than their peers. Your child may not fully understand the impact their behaviour has on other young people, and they might consider it ‘banter’. There are many reasons why your child might bully another young person, including:
- getting bullied themselves, in or outside school
- struggling with feelings of anxiety, self-worth or confidence
- wanting to fit in with a group of friends who are bullies
- looking for attention from teachers, parents or peers.
What to do
- Talk to your child to understand what is happening.
- Help them consider things from the other person’s points of view, try not to use blaming language.
- Be honest about what is happening at home for your child. Is there a lot of arguing, name calling or hitting? If so, it is important to have a positive home environment where members treat each other with kindness and respect.
- Make any punishments time-limited and relevant. If sanctions are too long, they lose their effectiveness.
- Help your child ‘put things right’ with the other young people affected.
- Understand that the behaviour may take a little time to change, be patient and understanding.
Work with the school
Talk to your child and their teachers about what's going on. Your child's teachers should show interest and concern just like you do, to help your child understand their own emotions. If your child is a natural leader or assertive, look for a club that they might enjoy, and invite them to take some responsibility within.
Families who might need further support
Any child can be bullied but if you’re worried your child could be targeted, help prepare them by teaching them about bullying in a way they will understand. Some young people may be targeted for bullying, as they communicate and socialise with their peers in different ways. Your young person may also feel confused and hurt by bullying, as they are already working extra hard to ‘fit in’. Check in with them, help them increase their vocabulary around emotions, and look for supportive groups and clubs that they can attend. Family Lives and Scope have great support and advice for families with a child with additional needs or neurodivergence.
Social stories can help autistic people develop greater social understanding and help them keep safe. They are brief descriptions of a specific situation, event or activity, which can help a person know what to expect from that situation.
Useful resources
- Childline and NSPCC have some advice on coping with bullying and making it stop bullying.
- Kent County Council has some useful links if you think your child is being bullied at school.