Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and control our emotions.
It means understanding feelings, staying calm when upset, and reacting to situations in a balanced way. If you feel angry or sad, emotional regulation skills help you calm down and respond without feeling overwhelmed by your emotions. It's an important skill for handling stress, solving problems, and getting along with others.
At the lower end, some people experience fewer emotions and when they do, these aren’t experienced strongly, which can easily be mistaken for lack of empathy. Some young people will appear to lack an emotional response when they are ‘masking’, which can lead to a very different experience of the child’s emotional regulation skills when they’re at school or at home.
Your child may be fine generally but when an emotion does arise, it can escalate quickly and become very intense. In such intense emotional states, your child’s thought processes tend to be overwhelmed and they could behave in ways you wouldn’t expect. This can include extreme anger and aggression, anxiety and avoidance, sadness and despair, as well as ‘over the top’ happiness and excitement. The Maudsley Charity has some top tips to help.
It’s important for children to understand that all emotions are valid but some responses to those emotions may cause yourself and others distress.
Being able to talk about emotions is important as some children will find the vocabulary tricky. Using words and reading books that teach emotions can help children learn to talk about their feelings. This helps them understand and express their emotions better. The Zones of Regulation is used in many primary schools and can help your child work out how they feel and which strategies can help them feel calmer.
Trying different calming activities like listening to music, being with friends, colouring, playing on the computer, watching a favourite programme and making these activities part of your child’s day, can help them regulate their emotions.
Emotional regulation skills can be learned or improved at any age. Here are some helpful guides to emotional regulation and co-regulation with strategies to support you and your child.
Support your child if they are distressed by:
- reducing demands
- saying less
- giving them time and space
- helping them use one of their calming strategies.
Think about what triggered their emotions and what they can do differently next time once they are calm. Restorative approaches can help support your child reflect and apologise to anyone their behaviour affected.
Visual supports can help some young people to explain their emotions. Comic strip conversations are a tool that can be used.
Anxiety or worry
Anxiety or worry can leave some young people feeling overwhelmed or numb and make everyday tasks insurmountable. These worries can be about anything and all are relevant to the child and dismissing them can be confusing and upsetting for them.
Childline has some great resources for supporting young people dealing with worry and anxiety or you can also visit Kent Family for more information. Allowing time for your child to talk about their worries is important. Creating a worry box or worry monster can help.
Ways to support your child’s emotional regulation skills
- Create a wow wall or wow book to record moments that made you proud or when your child made a positive choice. Put this somewhere you and your child can see and celebrate. Remember to celebrate the small wins.
- Identify what triggers emotional dysregulation by watching changes in your child’s behaviour. Look for ways to help regulate emotions early, such as redirecting attention or reducing demands. Ask the child or young person what helps them when they're upset.
- Incorporate exercise and being outside into the daily routine.
- Change the environment, some environments can be a trigger.
- Talk about your own emotions and what you think your child may be feeling to help your child understand their emotions.
- If a child is distressed by change or visiting new places, prepare them beforehand. Let them know what will happen, when, for how long, and provide communication tools for them to share that they need to take a break. Identify a safe/calm space that they can go to if needed.
Useful resources
- PACE stands for ‘Playful, acceptance, curiosity and empathy.’ It is a way of thinking, feeling, communicating and behaving that aims to make your child feel secure. It is based upon how parents connect with their very young infants. You can find further information on the DDP Network website.
- The ‘Incredible five-point scale’ is a simple tool that can be used to teach self-regulation. This scale was developed to help an individual understand and learn when emotions are getting out of control.
Books
- ‘The Huge Bag of Worries’ by Virginia Ironside has tips on coping with worries.
- 'A Volcano in My Tummy: Helping Children to Handle Anger' provides a clear approach to helping children and adults understand and deal constructively with children's anger.
- ‘Anger Management Skills Workbook for Kids’ is about the social communication, emotional regulation and transactional support for anger regulation in younger children.
- ‘My Hidden Chimp’ helps children to understand and manage their emotions, thinking and behaviour with ten helpful habits.
- ‘How to be a Superhero called Self-Control – Super Powers to Help Younger Children to Regulate their Emotions and Senses’ (Lauren Brukner, 2015)
- ‘Stay Cool and in Control with the Keep-Calm Guru: Wise Ways for Children to Regulate their Senses and Emotions’ (Lauren Brukner, 2016)
- ‘Starving the Anxiety Gremlin for Children Aged 5 – 9’ (Kate Collins-Donnelly, 2014)
- ‘Starving the Anger Gremlin for Children Aged 5 – 9’ (Kate Collins-Donnelly, 2014)
- ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy – A Child’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety’ (Poppy O’Neill, 2018)
- ‘No Worries! Mindful Kids: An activity book for children who sometimes feel anxious or stressed’ (Lily Murray, Katie Abey & Dr Sharie Coombes, 2017)
- ‘Be Positive! Mindful Kids: An activity book for children who want to feel more self-confident’ (Sharie Coombes & Ellie O’Shea, 2020)