Parenting that is warm, compassionate and consistent is more likely to be effective at managing children’s behaviours than 'strict' parenting. Difficult behaviour often comes from difficult feelings.
Staying calm and supporting the child through their difficult feelings is key.
Helping your child understand themselves will over time mean they are able to deal with those difficult emotions in a better way.
Sometimes your child may be having a bad day because they’re tired, feel unwell, hungry, nervous or upset. They might be trying to cope with a change like starting school or they might be trying to get your attention.
Talk to your child and validate how they are feeling. Give them lots of cuddles and time with you one-to-one. Some children are more prone to feeling their emotions strongly or to have more outbursts than other children and although this might be hard to deal with, your child cannot control or stop these feelings and needs your support even more. Helping your child to become resilient allows them to manage small everyday stresses in a healthy way.
Changes in behaviour
- Attention – children crave attention. If they get more attention for poor behaviour, that’s a route that they can start to go down, especially if positive behaviour doesn’t get a reaction from you.
- Reaction – your reactions to your child’s behaviour will dictate how they behave in future. If you give them sweets to stop them shouting, they’ll know there’s a good chance that shouting will get them sweets.
- Emotions – children can picking up on your feelings, and they may act out if they are sensing tension. This is not yours or the child’s fault, and can be worked through carefully with a little advice.
Handling difficult behaviour
- Be consistent - this will show your child that you are not going to back down over your requests for positive behaviour.
- Be genuine. Being open and enthusiastic when you talk to your child about their behaviour will let them know that you really mean it.
- Persevere. Give your new strategies and solutions time to work.
- Communicate. Talk to your child about how and why they are feeling the way they are. Try giving the emotion a name, so they associate it with their feelings.
Useful strategies to apply
- Positivity and attention. Give lots of praise and attention when your child is behaving well.
- Time. Give your child one-on-one time with you so they feel they can share any worries or feelings. You can do this through talking, drawing or writing.
- Diary. Keep a diary of your child’s behaviour to highlight triggers and reactions.
- Rewards. Reward positive behaviour with a sticker, a favourite meal or setting aside time for their favourite game. This shows them that being well-behaved leads to positive outcomes.
Our brains don’t fully mature until our early 20s so it will take a long time for your child to become more able to understand and manage their needs and feelings as an adult can, so keep going, it's a marathon, not a sprint. What you do has to be right for your child, yourself and the family, you can find some advice using the useful resources below or contact Kent School Health(opens in new tab) for more support. Medway School Nursing Team have created Lift off – Parent Education programme you can complete at home. The course is in two sessions and will explain what normal behaviour is and identifies challenging behaviour and ways to manage it. Once you have completed this training, please email confirmation to medch.schoolhealth@nhs.net.
Lift off Behaviour session one
Families who might need further support
Some children and young people need further support to help them learn how to manage their feelings and behaviour. Talk with your child’s class teacher with any concerns you have, they should be the first point of contact to support you and your child. Kent School Health(opens in new tab) and Medway School Nursing(opens in new tab) offer one-to-one support based on your child’s unique needs.
Navigating support for your child can sometimes feel overwhelming, but you do not have to do it alone. Our Supporting your child at school: A guide for parents and carers leaflet has been created to help you feel confident in discussing your child's needs with their school. We offer practical information and conversation starters to support meaningful discussions about the provision already in place, areas where further support may be needed, and the next steps to help your child reach their full potential. Your voice matters, and strong partnerships between families and schools make a real difference.
Behaviour that challenges is often seen in children with additional needs that affects communication and the brain such as learning disabilities or neurodivergence(opens in new tab). Understanding your child with additional needs(opens in new tab) is a course that looks at some particular aspects of parenting such as sleep and anger management, helping to make it easier to work with your child’s behaviour. Visit our special educational needs(opens in new tab) page for more information on the support available for you and your child.
Useful resources
- Families in Kent and Medway can access free online courses. ‘Understanding your child’(opens in new tab) courses are here to you develop as a parent as your family grows. These free online courses are available in 15-20-minute chunks, perfect for busy parents and carers. There are courses available to help you understand your child, your teenager as well as courses to understand your child’s feelings.
- Family Lives (opens in new tab)offers some useful tips on giving praise effectively, steps for empathy and time to calm down.
- NSPCC provides a useful guide for positive parenting(opens in new tab).
- Family links (opens in new tab)offers some useful tips on giving praise effectively, steps for empathy and time to calm down.