Developing identity

Identity is what makes us who we are and we start forming this from an early age. It’s a very important aspect of our lives, helping us connect with others and ‘find our tribe’. It includes our characteristics at birth like our gender and physical features as well as social aspects including family, friends, music, clothes, our location and religion.

Identity is developed initially through play, with children trying to gain a sense of self as they associate with those around them. Positive interactions with caregivers help young people grow in confidence, and establish positive self-esteem. As children get older and more independent, their identity grows with them, influences coming from a wider range of places. Groups and clubs can help to widen the experience for young people, and may help them to develop a social identity.

Some children are very worried about what others think of them, leading to feelings of confusion and damage to self-confidence. Be aware of the content your child is viewing online. Limit exposure if you feel it is having a detrimental effect. Talk to them about how they are feeling and the person they believe they are or want to be. Encourage them to take part in activities that promote self-esteem and increase positive peer relationships.

Body image

Gender or sexual orientation identity

For some young people, figuring out their sexuality, gender or identity can bring up many feelings and emotions which they may find overwhelming. Having a supportive environment at home can help them to manage these feelings. Being able to talk to you can make all the difference to their happiness and security. Let your child know from a young age that all relationships are equally valid and you’ll love them whoever they choose to be with or however they identify.

Gender identity is how we describe ourselves, based on our perceived gender. While many people identify with the gender they are assigned at birth, others feel gender is more of a spectrum with lots of possible identities. Children are aware of gender from the age of two, and by the age of four they usually have a stable sense of their gender identity.

Children will learn and play games based on gender roles. That is, doing things ‘that boys or girls do’. But cross-gender preferences are also a normal part of development at this age. You can support your child in this development by having a range of toys and activities for them to try. As a parent it can be difficult to know how best to support your child with their gender identity. Open and inclusive communication is key to them being able to talk to you about any feelings they might have or be unsure of.

Sexual orientation

LGBTQ+ refers to people who feel that they don’t fit into traditional categories of gender or sexuality. We live in a society that assumes everyone is straight, which can lead to people who don’t identify in that way feeling excluded.

Teens may not always want to share how they feel, but you still need to let them know they can talk to you about their feelings and relationships. Visit our page on LGBTQ+ for more information and support.

For families who might need further support

Some children and young people need further support as they grow and develop their identity.

There is some evidence to show a link between gender dysphoria and autism, and that autistic people may be more likely than other people to have gender dysphoria. Visit Autism.co.uk for more information and support.

Kent School Health offers one-to-one support based on your child’s unique needs. Visit our special educational needs or neurodivergence pages for more information on the support available for you and your child.

Useful information

The Proud Trust has information and advice for LGBTQ+ young people.