Managing feelings

Knowing what to expect will give you a head start in helping your child understand their own emotions. Find out more about how young children start to develop emotions at Kent Baby.

From three to five, your child is starting to manage their emotions

Your child is mixing socially and developing new coping skills away from you. They are learning to share, listen and play, and starting to mirror emotions seen in others. This can be a time of great uncertainty so it’s important to help talk your child through what they might be feeling.

From five to 11, your child is developing their emotional expression

Check in with how your child to see how their day went and how they are feeling.

They might not be able to tell you exactly how they feel, as they can’t identify the emotions and feelings attached to their behaviour. Feelings and emotion cards are one way to help explore this.

From 11 your child will begin to develop their identity

At this stage your child’s world is influenced by their peers and they will want to fit in with others. They’ll be familiar with how others are feeling, and how they relate to those feelings. They’re also developing self-expression, so at times their emotions may appear exaggerated. Keep communicating and try to be patient.

Your young person will be spending more time with their friends and away from you and the family. This is a normal milestone. Young people often argue more at this stage, and that’s also normal. They’re beginning to think for themselves, becoming more independent and develop their own views. Questioning others' views, and the world around them, helps them develop an understanding of others.

• Explore and talk about how other people feel and act. You could use examples of favourite TV programmes, familiar people, or the stories your child tells you about school.
• Play games with your child. Toys can help them play out different emotions and scenarios.
• When talking with your child, use words to describe the feelings you see in them and other people. For example: worried, happy, sad, scared, excited.
• Help your child understand that all feelings are okay, as long as they are managed in a healthy way. For example: “You can let your sister know you are upset and frustrated that she scribbled on your drawing, but you can’t hit or shout at her”.
• We can’t be perfect, but we can try to be positive role models for our children. This involves demonstrating healthy, positive relationships, and positive strategies for managing difficult and challenging emotions. If you shout when you get upset, your child may pick up on this and shout too.
• Build connections with your child’s friends. Getting to know your child’s friends can help you to be aware of, and keep up with, their social relationships and feelings. Supporting them in spending time with their friends is important for their development.
• Listen to your child. Listening helps strengthen the relationship between you and your child. Give lots of attention whenever your child wants to talk. If you’re in the middle of doing something, try to make time to stop and listen. If you can’t, explain calmly why now is not a good time, and set a time in the near future and stick to it. Try to look at the world from your child’s perspective, even if it differs from yours. Respecting your child’s opinions and feelings will help them feel confident and happy.
• When your child seems sad, distant or frustrated, it will be helpful to focus on their positive attributes and characteristics.
• If your child has a meltdown, talk it through with them when they have calmed down. Talk about how they felt and what may have caused them to get so worked up. Discuss how their behaviour made other people feel, and get them thinking about to manage things next time.
• If they managed their feelings well, let them know. What helped them manage their feelings so well? What effect did it have on others? How does it feel to know they managed their feelings so well?
• Help your child think of ways they can calm down when they need to.

These practical ideas from Cbeebies could help your child cope whether they’re feeling angry, worked up or just overexcited.

You may want to reach out for extra support if

• emotions are out of proportion to the situation or your child is often overwhelmed by their feelings.
• your child expresses their emotions inappropriately.
• your child often goes from being calm to having an intense feeling, like anger very quickly.
• they hide or push people away when overwhelmed.
• strong emotions are going on for a long time after whatever triggered them.
• your young person struggles to relax enough to be with family and friends, or enjoy a hobby.

You may also need extra help if you and your child are dealing with extra challenges such as a bereavement.