Bereavement

Young children can feel sad when someone they love dies but they probably won’t understand that death is forever until they are about seven or eight-years-old.

Three to five-year-olds will miss the person, and show their feelings through their behaviour. They might talk about what has happened over and over again, as well as telling others about it. This could mean everyone from their teacher to the lady in the supermarket queue. They might pretend-play about what has happened. All of this can be hard to see, but your child is making sense of what’s happened, and you may need to be patient about answering questions and watching role-play.

Six to 11-year-olds will have a deeper understanding and by eight or nine they will understand that death is permanent, and happens to everyone eventually. Sometimes they will worry that someone else could die. At this age, children do a lot of ‘magical thinking’, and might be frightened by the idea of spirits and ghosts. They may think they were in some way responsible for the death: “I didn’t kiss Dad goodbye” or “I made it happen”. They could try bargaining: “If I do this, will Daddy come back?” or “If I’m good, will Daddy come back?”

Older young people may find it hard to talk about their emotions. It's normal to feel guilty when they want to have fun, but they don't need to feel sad all the time. Having fun doesn’t mean they don't miss the person. This confusion can cause feelings that are difficult to manage. They may also be questioning the ‘meaning of life’, and beliefs around life and death.

Children are very tuned in to the feelings of their parents or carers. Showing your feelings is good and you can explain: “Mummy is crying because she is sad that Daddy died”. Seeing you very distressed might be a bit scary for children so try to step away for a moment and take some deep, slow breaths to calm yourself.

You can help children begin to understand death by taking part in simple rituals. Sit down together and write a letter to the person who has died, which can be placed in their coffin. Plan to put flowers by the headstone together.

Children and young people cope best when adults are honest, and explain what has happened in a way they can understand, using age-appropriate language. Give your children time to tell you what they think, so you can clear up any confusion. Repeat simple matter-of-fact explanations of what happened to help them understand. “Grandad’s heart stopped working, the doctor couldn’t make him better and he died. It is very sad because we can’t see him again and we miss him.”

For young children you can point out the differences between being dead and alive. If you see a dead fly you could talk about how it can’t move, won’t feel hungry, hot or cold, because it has died. Reassure them that most people die when they are very old. Remind them about all the people who love them, who will always make sure they will be looked after.

Talk about their feelings: “I can see you are feeling sad” or “You are missing Nanny today.” Tell your child it’s okay to feel sad and remind them that you are there. Books about death and dying can help make sense of what has happened. Your local library should have some. Snuggle up and read the stories together to help them feel safe.

Encourage them to talk to family and friends about how they feel. If they find this is too hard, they could write a journal, paint or draw.

Keep to the same routines with the same people caring for them, to help your child feel safe and help your child feel that you won’t ‘disappear’ too. Hold and comfort them as much as they need and help find ways for you all to relax and reduce worries.